Five minutes, any day. Spent writing—something anything not for anyone anything no edits no outlines no plans no correction, this is where it goes.enjoy.

Monday, October 15, 2012

Doubting

What if this isn't where I belong
What if this isn't what I'm meant to be doing
What if this is a result of a bad decision I made
What if this is because I thought wrong
What if this is because I believed wrong

What if I wasn't ever supposed to get here
What if I was meant to be doing so much more than this
What if I made a bad decision even though it felt right/
What if I thought wrong
What if I did wrong

But if I really believed it was right
But if nothing told me it wasn't
maybe it is right

but can it really be right?

Things shouldn't be like this
Things shouldn't be like this if it was right
Things should only be like this if it was wrong

unless
unless I was told wrong
unless I was told wrong my entire life
unless I was told wrong my whole childhood

I know we go through seasons
I know we do

But this feels like winter
But this feels so wrong

I thought that things worked out
I thought that dreams wouldn't die
I thought that I could do anything
I thought that this would end like Cinderella
I thought this was a happy ever after

Thursday, October 4, 2012

Solve the problem

Pain.
that's what this feels like.
I was comfortable. It was okay.
Okay like a splinter you've grown long used to.
Okay like a wound you've had for a while that continues to throb.
Don't pull it out--
Don't pull it off, it'll bleed--

Bleed
and I don't want that.
I've grown used to it. It is okay.
Okay like a bad habit you've justified.
Okay like a little lie you've allowed to grow.
Don't change it--
Don't change me, it'll hurt

Hurt
that's what I don't want.
I want tolerable. It's desirable.
Desirable to leave the problem to avoid momentary pain.
Desirable to be as comfortable as I can for as long as possible.
Don't cut it out--
Don't cut it out, just leave it--

Leave it
that's not an option. It's not acceptable.
Not acceptable to ignore the bigger problem for momentary enjoyment.
Not acceptable to make bad decisions to please yourself.
It's not okay--
It's not okay, you know--

And since I know
the time has come
to cut it out
cut it off
pull it out

staunch the bleeding

and let it heal