Five minutes, any day. Spent writing—something anything not for anyone anything no edits no outlines no plans no correction, this is where it goes.enjoy.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Just Black/whitE

There's a saturation to every emotion I feel.  I don't think I feel more than other people, but what I feel I feel so intensely.

When I'm sad, I'm so sad I can't do anything.  I simply wander, listless, around the house, around the building that I'm in.  Listless and aimless, and who knows where I'm headed.  I sit down and just want to curl up in a ball and cry.  I can't focus on things.  I just want to be gone from whatever is making me sad.

And when I'm mad, I'm so mad I want to scream.  I stomp around, lash out at everyone, slam things.  Grumble and curse things with every inoffensive insult I can conjure up.  I scowl so the milk turns when I even look at it.  I attack things with a ferocity, mess them up, and gloom away, into another room to ruin something else in my insatiable irk.

Then when I'm happy, I'm so happy I want to sing (and most of the time, I take that liberty).  I crow about what a lovely day it is, I dance through the house and then laugh because I can't dance, and I float everywhere I go.  I beam, and radiate joy onto others, who look at me quizzically.  All I can say is that it's a good day, and they respond mildly that they can tell.

Apathy, however, is still present.  And apathy is the hardest of all, because when I can't bring myself to care I can't bring myself to do much of anything, and I just want to sit and alternatively cry, sigh, or sleep.  There's no color there, none at all.

Black and white.  On days like today I feel like every emotion is solid black and white


They're not, though.  Not most days.  But today I feel like it's black and white.  There are no shades of grey.

1 comment:

  1. Crazy how I know just what you mean... I am extremely bi-polar when I'm stressing out (or is it just PMS?) lol... but gray can be an intense color when it shines.... then it's silver, don't forget. ;)