I feel like this every day of my insignificant life.
But I am not ill-equipped. I am not without weapons, without cause. I am without motivation.
I am apathy.
There is so much that I can do. So much! What can I do? Never enough. But I can do something and that something is so much because it is still something. Value. It has value.
Where I am now there is no value. There is no meaning. I just exist, apathetic, stagnant, helpless, impactless, existing for what? For nothing. For myself, which is worse than nothing.
I don’t matter. My wishes do not matter. I do not matter, not me, my dreams, my hopes, desires, cravings, feelings, fleeting thoughts. I don’t matter. I am but an empty vessel, filled with that which I choose to fill myself with, waste myself on, anything that does not matter, that does nothing for those hopeless individuals around me, nothing for even myself. I live my days and they are over and they are nothing but a blur and a smudge and it doesn’t matter because I’ve done nothing, nothing at all but waste all of my precious gifts.
I am an empty vessel
Prod me. Whip me. Stab me. Compel me. Direct me. Force me, Dear God, force me. I cannot do anything because I cannot force myself to stir, force myself to be anything but an empty vessel filled with fleeting thoughts, passing entertainments, shallow ideals. I am afraid and my fear keeps me from breathing, living, doing anything anything at all
because I am an empty vessel
created by You
do what you will
with this earthen vessel
for I cannot move myself to do anything at all