Five minutes, any day. Spent writing—something anything not for anyone anything no edits no outlines no plans no correction, this is where it goes.enjoy.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

What Can I Do


I feel like this every day of my insignificant life.
But I am not ill-equipped.  I am not without weapons, without cause.  I am without motivation.
I am apathy.
There is so much that I can do.  So much!  What can I do?  Never enough.  But I can do something and that something is so much because it is still something.  Value.  It has value.
Where I am now there is no value.  There is no meaning.  I just exist, apathetic, stagnant, helpless, impactless, existing for what?  For nothing.  For myself, which is worse than nothing.
I don’t matter.  My wishes do not matter.  I do not matter, not me, my dreams, my hopes, desires, cravings, feelings, fleeting thoughts.  I don’t matter.  I am but an empty vessel, filled with that which I choose to fill myself with, waste myself on, anything that does not matter, that does nothing for those hopeless individuals around me, nothing for even myself.  I live my days and they are over and they are nothing but a blur and a smudge and it doesn’t matter because I’ve done nothing, nothing at all but waste all of my precious gifts.
I am an empty vessel
Prod me.  Whip me.  Stab me.  Compel me.  Direct me.  Force me, Dear God, force me.  I cannot do anything because I cannot force myself to stir, force myself to be anything but an empty vessel filled with fleeting thoughts, passing entertainments, shallow ideals.  I am afraid and my fear keeps me from breathing, living, doing anything anything at all
Force me
because I am an empty vessel
created by You
and You
do what you will
with this earthen vessel
for I cannot move myself to do anything at all

4 comments:

  1. Would it be cool if I reworked this and turned it into a song?

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  2. Hrrm. If this was a normal drabble I might be fine with that, Peter, but this . . . this was almost more of a desperate plea to God and less of an artistic expression.

    I'm leaning towards no. Not because I want to be stingy but because it's really, really personal.
    I guess you could write up a rough draft and email it to me and we could see how I feel about it, if you want to. But I might just insist that you don't use it. I hope that doesn't seem jerky of me. :/

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  3. It won't, I feel ya. I just realized today that I can't write serious songs anyway. :P

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  4. Haha, we all have our faults. I stink at writing comedic material, so it's all good. :P

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