Five minutes, any day. Spent writing—something anything not for anyone anything no edits no outlines no plans no correction, this is where it goes.enjoy.

Sunday, September 25, 2011

pressure.Asphyxiating

What do you do when your whole life is crashing in on you?
When you're bracing the walls with wobbly boards as fast as you can and they keep shattering, splitting, cracking underthe pressure just when you think you've got it, and you finally think you can have some semblance of order, some semblance of control, in your own life?
What to you do when you don't know what to do anymore?
I can call, but I've been calling.
I can pray, but I don't know if I can pray forever.
I can't try to keep the walls up any longer.
I just want to be free, but I can't get that freedom.
How do I even know what freedom is, if all I've known are walls?

Please, won't You keep it from smothering me?  Won't You hold it up, so I can finally see the sky again?

I need to see that sky.  Please.

Since when is Life so hard that we can't function anymore?  Since when is there so much there's no way to start?  Since when did simply existing become so complicated?

When did I stop living and start struggling to stay alive?

I hate it here.

Won't You  help me out?

I can't do this
STOP

4 comments:

  1. Life as a senior is a hard one, isn't it? I know that suffocating feeling... It's terrifying when a wave of deadlines and applications and responsibilities comes hurtling towards you. And then there's this little voice squeaking in the back of your brain as you pour your soul into homework:

    "I thought you were a writer!"

    That's what's most frustrating.

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  2. Heh, life has been like this for my whole family right now. Crazy things with my dad at work, our rental house being empty and a drain on our finances, the foster boys being worse than usual, DCS court dates, Mom's ever growing work schedule, older brother at college who doesn't contact us often... Not to mention I'm a senior, my job is ending next week, I have to schedule senior pictures and a senior cookout and a tour of the local pregnancy center, have to find time to volunteer there, and being secretary of my service club and a member of our internship group....
    Oh, and that I don't know what college I'm going to or what I want to do for college or even if I want to go next year or do something else, and I have to raise 2,000 dollars before May 2012 for programs I'm attending next summer, more if I want to make the writer's conference.

    ... lol, Amiah, sorry to just dump that on you love. But then again, it's a really good thing we have such a big God, huh?
    I need a big God to take care of all this stuff. :]

    That is *by far* the most frustrating thing. "I thought you were a writer! Why don't you read? Why don't you write? What's wrong with you?" TIME. There is never, ever enough. >_<

    ...I'm such a malcontent. XD

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  3. You comment means a lot, though, if you didn't catch that from the rant. I love you bunches. :3 *hugs*

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  4. Awww :) It's surreal how much your life sounds like mine (except I don't have any older siblings). I TOO have no direction when it comes to college. I went to this college planning meeting and the guy who went too was asking how many colleges I'd applied to.
    "None."
    "None?!"
    "...Yeah."
    "How many are you interested in?"
    "Ooooooone. And a half. But the one's so far from home, I don't know if I want to go there."
    "O__________________________O."
    His reaction was a wake-up call. College! I'm supposed to care about this XD
    And the foster boys... If you ever want to talk, I'm here. I have two little brothers who came as foster boys, stayed three and a half years, and finally became my family. It's HARD. I remember my very first year of high school (the year after they came). That was the craziest and must upside-down year of my life. I'm so thankful it ended in adoption, even if the process was excrutiatingly painful and even though my life can never be the way it was.
    We're all malcontents, dear XD It's called being human.

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